Freedom: 2 Years In The City of Angels
Synopsis: This blog Lisinopril cough talks about my superficial high points and surface-oriented desires, as well as an ultimate depression and fall that led to a newfound gentle approach toward my life. It recaps Year 2 and covers my dreams and desires for Year 3 (June 2011 – June 2012). Thank you for taking to read this massive, critical update.
June 1, 2011 – the date of my Two Year Anniversary living in the City of Angels.
How two years feels like a life time….
Thank you for taking the time to read my reflections and views on my own life. My story is and will always be an example of what any of us can do. To show that impossibilities are but creations in the mind. It’s your disbelief in the possibility that makes whatever you imagine to be impossible. I came from a place where not much was feasible; not much was possible.
I grew up in a single-parent family in Kansas where I started helping contribute to bills when I was 13-years-old. I worked on a ranch every summer hauling hay and had an add in the paper titled “Work Wanted,” where it listed, ’13-year-old boy searching for any and all types of work.” There was a time in my life where welfare bought my mother a car, and times in my life that I wished I had a father-figure.
I deeply felt unloved as a child growing up because of the missing link of the presence of a ‘father-figure’ influence in my life. In fact, I never thought I was good enough, especially in the eyes of a man. It is why I wanted to be the best student, the best athlete, and the best person. It is why I strived to be something better than I was. I wanted to be accepted like we all do.
Growing up in a town of 1,152 people, anything ‘too big’ was to be made fun of or ridiculed for thinking outside the box. On top of being told how to behave and what to do, my biggest heartache when getting older was finding my relationship with God. I started going to church by myself when I was 16 to try to find answers. I knew my belief in God was much different than how others believed God to be or what he represented. Yet, I grew up in a tradition that made me reject myself and my own inner compass of what resonated deep within me. Not only did I grow up feeling inadequate, I was left hopeless of ever feeling comfortable seeing God in such a small box as Christianity has his image.
During these times, my imagination was my best friend. When I was just about a teenager, I would always run to the middle of the woods and sit on a tree stump and meditate. I had no idea what I was doing then, but I saw elves and I saw magic, and I saw my fears slip away. As I was around this age, with braces on my teeth, my mom and I would have long conversations about life during the 45-minute drive one-way to Bartlesville, Oklahoma, for my regular orthodontist appointments. These were some of my most favorite childhood memories. I always asked my mom a billion questions, to which she always gave an answer. I asked my mom what she thought I could be. She said anything I wanted to be. I didn’t believe her because no one else told me that. I told her that I was scared – that life seemed to be about going to school, going to college, getting good grades, and working the rest of your life. I didn’t want that for my life. I wanted to be free. I wanted to be able to run in the woods or express myself any which way I wanted. She told me early on that I could truly become anything that I wanted – that all I had to do was taste it, touch it, smell it, breathe it – make it so real in my mind that it manifests into my reality. She kept it very simple for me. But, her words took root in my heart, and made me decide that I could become what I wanted. And ever since those early days, I have seen my life unfold in very mysterious ways.
Yet, it hasn’t always been easy. Things have happened in my life where I used to question why. I didn’t get why, when I was 5-years-old, I woke to my mother and one of my step-fathers arguing late at night. I was sleeping at a friends house and my brothers where upstairs. I had fallen asleep on the couch. They had just gotten home from the bar. I walked to the screen door where they were arguing on the other side. I saw the back of my mom’s head illuminated by the porch light; her full head of blonde hair I was staring at.
A moment later, my mom was slapped in the face and instead of seeing the back of her head, it spun her around. She did not look up with her head, but with her eyes, directly at my height, seeing me standing behind the screen door. I saw her eyes. She was fearless. Although she was hurt, she held compassion in her eyes – love – for me. She whispered to me, “Go get your brothers.” I turned around and ran upstairs and awoke my two brothers. I told them we have to go. Mom’s hurt. They followed me downstairs. My mom and Tom were wrestling in the yard and the owner of the house we were sleeping over at was helping my mom fend him off. Mom yelled for us to head for the car. I made it there first and hopped in the front seat. Mom got to the car, almost shut the door, but Tom got to her. This time, he crawled on top of her in the vehicle, her fending for her life. He grabbed her by the neck and pushed her down in between the driver and passenger seat. That moment lasted forever… forever… He was literally strangling my mother to death, her blonde hair touching my knee, and my tears falling on her helpless face. Yet, my mom stared looking at me, and in the face of death, feeding me love with her eyes, even during her last breath… or so I thought as the owner of the house hit Tom and pulled him out of the car. In the end, we divorced Tom, and we all remained okay.
Tom was a great dad, except for when he got drunk. He never tried hurting us when he was drunk; just my mom. He was the only dad I called dad, and the only one I truly loved. We would visit him for a few years at his trailer house and see him, until we got older and he got remarried with a woman who had a son of her own. Year later, and for years, I always wondered how he was. I always contemplated where he was at and what he was doing and how I wished to see him again.
I often reflected on a certain memory of him and I driving in the car, going somewhere with the family, and reaching up behind the driver seat to rub his scruffy beard and touch his face. It was the only moment I have in my life where I have been able to feel that close to a man out of love, and the one moment I treasure. I used to get online and search for his name. I heard he lived in Independence, Kansas. I never told my family about my want to know his whereabouts.
And I never understood why, during my senior year, when a man saw me in the local convenience store and says, “Your Tom Fish’s boy?” I was almost 18-years-old, and Tom hadn’t been my father since I was 5. This man must have know him very well. So I asked him if he knew where he was living these days. He said with no remorse, “Last I heard he killed himself.”
There had been numerous times where I questioned why things happened the way they did. I never got it. I became the victim of certain circumstances of my past. But as I have grown older, and have taken a deep undertaking to recreate myself from the shackles of my past, I reflect on these images and many like it that are now reminders of the truth: It has always, truly, all been perfect…
Yes. You heard. I got the perfection of not growing up with a father. Logically my healing may not make sense to becoming okay with my past and what happened. But I have lifted the illusions of an imperfect world and created in my heart freedom from the past. Did I question why when I was younger. Absolutely. Did I find out later in life I always craved the approval of coaches or men in general, because I felt like I was never good enough in the eyes of a man? Yes, I did.
But did I grow up sensitive and in tune with my emotions, allowing my intuition and feelings to help guide me and steer my life? Something I don’t think I would have felt comfortable being who I am if I had a so-called ‘man’ in my life. Did I grow up never wanting to put an ounce of alcohol in my body? Yes. Even to this day, as I know I am not my step-father, and I can control myself, I have no desire to drink. Did I grow up wanting to be the best father and hold so much love and compassion for those in my life?. Yes. Did I grow up wanting to give my kids as many childhood memories as they could hold in their little hearts and minds of being able to hold or touch their father? You bet. Did I grow up beyond the age of twenty resenting not having a father? No. I found peace with that matter early on, accepting a deep resounding universal truth with everything that has or will happen in my life.
Sometimes not having the answer as to why something happens makes it difficult to see a higher outcome to life’s struggles. That happened to me very recently where my feet felt quite literally swept from underneath, landing me solid on my back, not wanting to get up, as I literally for weeks lost all trust in people. This challenge was even more emotionally difficult than the burden of living in the back of my car.
I methodically mapped that out. I had intentions of creating that situation to move forward in my life, although to most, it was an illogical move. I knew it was one step backwards for two steps forward. But, no. This recent situation I didn’t plan. It came out of left field and was something I never expected. I felt like I was literally dying, questioning every single thing, even about myself, even at my core. But, in the end, through all the hurt, and confusion, darkness, and the like, I used it as a moment to create who I really am. I used it to look past my own personal hurts, and used it as a moment of love. As deeply as I was bruised, I let go of my personal suffering and awakened to a heart of unconditional love and detachment from its circumstances. In that moment I became a man who has grown okay to life’s struggles – to not feel that life is in jeopardy when I am in the eye of the storm with no way out.
It was a time where I didn’t want to give any light at all, only hatred and resentment. Yet looking deeper into what and who I could become in that moment, I took at as an opportunity to shine my light even brighter. Where I could have caused so much darkness, I brought powerful light. Through this fall, it has been a truth and testament that the valleys of life are as equally rewarding as the mountain tops.
These life struggles have continuously pointed to the universal truth that it has always been perfect. Growing up without a father, living in the back of my car, being overwhelming hurt in a relationship, and so much more – all of it has made me who I am. I truly believe there is a way to learn deeper core lessons without suffering, yet I can say I am not quite there. I am just not quite there, yet I use every opportunity to practice who I am and who I really want to be. I can choose how to respond in every situation that life gives me, deciding to be detached from people’s own hate and fear, as it truly doesn’t exist and is the ultimate illusion.
As I was going through my personal suffering, I turned inward, deeper than I had in the longest time, to find out who I was, what I wanted, what I felt like, why this was happening to me, and hating the fact that it had, and most certainly hating that I didn’t have the answers. I had friends who saw the struggles I was going through who offered their own genuine guidance. One was right. I had let one toxic situation make me doubt not only myself, but everything about life. I became heartbroken, lost, afraid, and ultimately fearful. I had let fear consume my thoughts and my mind and it took over.
I turned to books that have led to inspiration to help me see a different perspective on suffering. I need to not be the victim of this circumstance. As I was listening to one of Wayne Dyer’s programs, he said that he felt that every great spiritual advancement he has had was preceded by a fall of some kind. In fact, coming out of a divorce and one of his deepest depressions was the time where he did some of his very best work, and the first work I ever personally stumbled across of his, titled, The Power of Intention, in which a friend sent to me when I was 18-years-old.
A fall, whether that is being diagnosed with cancer, losing your home, or your spouse and/or loved one, literally makes us have to deal with things we haven’t dealt with before, or things we don’t want to face. It brings us to a place of inner reflection, as we realize we have no where else to turn.
I find that these ‘so called’ low points are moments in our life were we try to logically figure things out, when there isn’t a logical answer. We want to make such decisions to get out of our low points. But it’s these low points that make us search deep inside ourselves, to contemplate, to create, to desire, to dream, to feel – and they create big changes in our very being. So the suffering is never bad; it is leading you to a new concept of you; something that is, in fact, extremely beautiful.
I was becoming frustrated because I felt like I was becoming victim to my circumstances. Yet sometimes trying to fix it rushes it. Because I had this rigid/structured idea of who I was, when this situation happened, that whole structure crumbled. Everything I thought I was, was not there, and I felt so scared as I questioned who I was! I didn’t like not knowing! But now I embrace not knowing! I think finding ourselves in times of questioning everything about us is beautiful, because we stand as such rigid self-assured-in-who-we-are individuals, that we can’t see passed our own truths, so we never grow or evolve. But by our hearts making us question even our very core and what makes us tick do we give ourselves permission to maybe believe something different or see the next path to take.
Through these falls and these struggles, and a higher awareness, have led me to a freedom in my life I can quite express. Yet, even prior to this past struggle and these past 365 days, I had a passion for creating a blog that went beyond a focus of external steps for those to follow for their own Hollywood career. Yet, it has become even more apparent since Hollywood & Beyond’s inception that through life’s struggles, I have realized it is a backwards approach to what is important to give another in search of a Hollywood career.
My ultimate goal in creating Hollywood & Beyond was to give a true and complete real-life perspective of one man’s dream of becoming one of the greatest actors of all time, and sharing that journey from A-Z, every step of the way, chronicling both the ups and the downs. I have always gone beyond the superficial high points of an actor’s career, and note the deep resounding inner conflict and turmoil we all experience when we try to find ourself. I wanted to show that underneath my whole Hollywood career lies a deep mystical connection to life and its mysteries, and riding a wave of impossibilities in my heart being manifest into my reality. I wanted to document less about the exterior successes and more upon the internal successes.
And so I have done this, sometimes falling off the bandwagon and not writing for months, but for the most part, always being able to put out a monthly update of what has continually come into my life and my own continuous evolvement – especially being sure to update rapid and mystical changes in six month and one-year updates and reflections (blogs), such as this one.
The biggest thing of all I found out this second year here in Los Angeles was my backwards approach to, not only Hollywood, but life! I started falling into the category of focusing on the external, rather than the internal. Little did I know at the height of my incorrect focus that it was less important about the outwardly steps and actions, and more important about the man (the person behind the steps). Everyone in Hollywood will tell you there is no crystal-clear direction of finding success here. Everyone took their own path. Yet, too many try to mimic behavior and carbon copy things that have worked in the past, becoming deeply dissatisfied in the end and during the journey.
It is logical to look at the success of another and what’s worked in the past and think that will lead you to success in the future. But what is even more fun and guarantees more of a possibility of success is looking inside and becoming inspired by your intuition to not only find the next step, but the next fulfilling step, as well. Logically, you may not agree with your intuition and think that you may be moving or going backwards, (as with some of my new goals for this new year you may think are backward steps or focus). But I have been inspired by my intuition my whole life, doing things that brought joy to my heart regardless if they were the most logical steps on the roadmap to success.
Falling back into trying to take the typical approach to the Hollywood career, little by little, I started finding my way; my own way. Instead of trying to copy the ideas and behaviors of others (or letting other dictate what was best for me career wise) who have reaped success before me, I started listening to my own inner compass again – the voice, thoughts, and feelings that have led me to unlimited success in my heart my whole life. And some of that success has spilled into reality, notably being the valedictorian of my high school, the senior class president, playing dual-sport collegiate athletics, leading a personal development conference call for a little less than two dozen people in 10 different states as a 20-year-old, being featured in magazines, newspapers, and television interviews across the country upon my starring title role in my own film that aired to 1.7 million people on Syfy, and sold over 60,000 copies worldwide in a single month, and a Top 15 on Instant NETFLIX.
We look at life backwards. We look at the surface, instead of what’s beneath the surface. We look at Hollywood, but not what’s beyond it. Or we discount the simple truth that our inner thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and perceptions make up our entire external life. We live in a world as deeply depressed individuals, not just doubting our connection to everything, but far removed from even doubt, as doubt would still mean a possibility. No. We have moved to a place of complete denial of anything being in divine order and complete perfection – never imagining a world that is controlled by hearts and imaginations that allow us to literally create impossibilities.
Most of us blame other people, circumstances, and events as the faults to the unfulfilled lives that we live, instead of our own weak minds. We rarely take full responsibility for anything, and if we do, we still don’t take 100% responsibility for everything that has ever come into our life experience. We look at the world as if it is attacking us, rather than aiding and encompassing itself directly into our own individual paths and helping us find the truest since of the word freedom!
And as I reflected within (what I call meditation), I felt inspired to give up everything I had one year ago (one year ago this month), except for the clothes on my back, not only because it was the only possible way to pursue my Hollywood career full time, but because it is what I felt I needed to do to evolve and find my own true power. On June 24th of last year, I wrote a small note on my Facebook page and tagged my mother and another friend trying to logically explain my desire to live in the back of my car, although there was no logical answer to what my heart was telling me was my next step. I felt compelled to take my second year living in Hollywood to the back seat of my car, to not only pursue my career, but to find life. Here is that note:
“Lao-tzu reminds you of the things that you probably think cause suffering and suggests that being orphaned, going hungry, or feeling worthless are high on the list. But then he says that achieving harmony in terms of the Tao involves gaining by losing. Does he mean that if you lose your home, your mom and dad, your belongings, or your sense of self-esteem, you’ll gain all that you need? What? How is that possible?
Your infinite self that originated in, and is animated by, the Tao needs nothing to sustain itself. Parents, possessions, and self-worth are only necessary to the existence of your mortal self. Lao-tzu wants you to recognize this difference within the oneness that you are. He teaches that you gain awareness of your Tao nature through the loss of emphasis on the physical conditions of your life.”
After giving up everything, except for the clothes on my back and my 1998 Ford Explorer Sport I have had since I was 16-years-old, I found purpose and life in myself. I reclaimed my inherent power within and used it as fuel to live. There were days and times that I cried myself to sleep, but this was all a part of me finding my true power.
That day, as I sat on the side of the road, crying hopelessly as my car got towed because I couldn’t afford new tags, I called my mother and told her that I had been lying to her about living with someone, and although that was true for a few days, it was not working, and I went back to my car. I told her how my car was being towed and that they were towing my home. We cried together as she was wasn’t in a position to help or contribute in any way financially. I really sunk to my lowest point… As you can capture that full story HERE, I bounced Amoxicillin contraindications back from its difficulty and moved forward.
As much as I want to give you a play by play of the events that happened this second year (which I will do), I now find them irrelevant. Even though that was the purpose of my site originally – to give the play-by-play practical steps of how I made it in Hollywood, I had it right in the beginning of going beyond the surface and into the inner life of one’s life. Some will be ready for the information I give and others will dismiss it wanting a quicker way. I am in no need of quick; I am only in search of fulfillment. And, paradoxically, the more I fulfill myself with the things I love to do, the opportunities seem to continue knocking at my door. I am coming to more of an understanding by what the ancient spiritual masters meant by doing less, you are in fact, doing more.
As I shared, through my want to document my steps from A to Z, I found out that the external steps when motivated by lack or doubt or desperation a.k.a., FEAR, made me take the wrong steps and turns, making all the wrong moves. As my steps, or actions, were motivated by inspiration, love, abundance a.k.a. LOVE, and never doubting that it would all fall together, my actions not only became the ways that lead to external fulfillment, but internal joy and exuberance, as well. It boiled down to what action I took based upon which motivation: love or fear. A simple and profound truth, that if grasped, could change a life.
Many of us cannot be ourselves in the world. We have been conditioned to all live equally in a box, and anything outside of that box is either wrong or unattractive. We all desperately want to fit in – be needed, loved, and wanted. I fell into this category deeply in Year 1. I let others tell me how to advance my career: What to do, and what not to do. I wasn’t an original self; I was a programmed robot taking the commands of experts. I didn’t always feel connected to the advice or wisdom of others. I was scared to give my full self in environments that I didn’t understand (which was anything in regards to the entertainment business), so I became shy and wanted acceptance, rather just living from my inherent strength of love and having it guide me, without the care or good opinion of others.
When Year 2 came along and in the middle of my seven-week journey living in the back of my car, I met a director (who received an Emmy for his directorship in his documentary-short An Inaugural Ride to Freedom) through a mutual friend . We met in a setting with a few others, having some time to talk privately, but having him see me interact with others, as well. Omowale Akintunde walked me outside and we shared in a conversation that would change the direction of my life forever.
Omowale asked me why I was dimming my light. I told him I didn’t know what he was talking about. There were four other actors in the room, one who had worked for forty years, and others who had much more credits than I did. He shared with me how I was bigger than any other person in that room, yet I didn’t show it. I told him I don’t like to be the center of attention, or feel it is necessary to do anything to get someone’s approval. He said it wasn’t about that. He said that I wasn’t embracing my full light – that shining your light is not about having an ego, but about reflecting everything good that you can bring to the table. He said that I hadn’t embraced my lane. He said there should be no reason that I shouldn’t be where I wanted to be now. He told me that I was the only one stopping myself. He said, “You gotta quit playing small and dimming your light to make others feel comfortable around you. That is not doing any good for anybody! You need to shine your light, my brotha! The world needs you! The world needs your light! It needs all of you! And the only way you can do that is by embracing your lane. You’ll never get to where you want to be if you don’t. You are the next Brad Pitt. You are the next Tom Cruise. That’s your lane! And you gotta embrace your lane, man!”
This man I had never met before saw so much in me, during a time I saw little in myself. I was at a point where I doubted everything about myself, if I could even make it in this town. As much as I wanted to believe him, there wasn’t many resources internally or externally to see what he saw. I was hopeless… Yet, deep down I knew Omowale was right. I let other people in this business walk on me. I wasn’t allowing myself to feel comfortable sharing all of me, because I was too big. I knew I was. Inside me, I knew I was bigger than life. And I let Los Angeles and this business shove me into a box that I did not like.
And as Year 2 began, it turned into a year of deeper self-discovery and internal surgery; a year that I questioned every single truth I ever had and decided if it was one I wanted to keep or one I wanted to change. I fully believe that our truths and ideas make our world. That I could believe any truths, and they were my truths, and my life would literally form around those truths.
We all live in a different world – most of ours’ controlled by fear. It is a rarity to find one who believes we live in a world controlled by perfect bliss. I tend to bounce back and forth, as many of us do, but continually find myself living in a world that serves me, and not one that I am afraid of.
My whole life has been a reflection of what is possible for a dreamer. One who moves boldly in the directions of his desires. I can’t always say the bold is there, but I grasp it more and more as I continue rediscovering who I really am. It has taken years for me to continue peeling back the conditions of my life growing up in a poor single-parent family, and having the external around you living in the back of your car.
But, with a heart filled with a dream, and an imagination that literally creates something from nothing, it brings to us not just what we desire, but real and exact moments into our life. It has happened my whole life, from making the last two clutch free-throw shots in a basketball game, to starring in my own film, to smaller things that might seem trivial or unimportant to you. I have always expected things to spring together in their own way. And they continue doing so.
My dream of starring in my own film didn’t just happen – it flourished! I spent four months appearing in television (FOX and CNN HLN) and radio shows, as well as online media and national magazine publication interviews across the country. This was without a publicist (well, I hawked my iPad to pay for you one the first month, whom I let go after I felt I could do more than he) or anything else on the external surface working in my aid; no push from the production company or Syfy.
Yet, as you know, I had something much bigger working with me. I had all the forces of nature helping people to stumble across my information and want to interview me. How did dozens of interviews in this four month period come about? By the internal work that has led my entire life and the connection to our creative power that I spoke about above. It is truly only limited to your own interpretation of it. And I am thankful for my supposed naivety for believing such things can happen to a small-town kid from Kansas with zero contacts in this industry, with no money supporting him on his adventure…
Yet, I had many shortcomings this year, as well. I missed out on landing the lead role in Spartacus: Blood and Sand. I missed out on a supporting role in the comedy movie, The Sitter, with Jonah Hill. I missed out on two Guest Star roles for Castle, two Guest Star roles for CSI: Miami, and one Guest Star role for Femme Fatals. Before than I missed out on the leads on Marvel’s Thor and Conan The Barbarian. Not only did I have shortcomings with failed auditions, but I started losing focus on what was important with my life.
The first six months in Year 2 I spent focused on my inner power and strength. I grew to believe that I was Spartacus and never worked harder for a role than for that one. I was driven and guided by my inner self. I was happy, whole, and complete, and saw a world of unlimited creative potential that I was taking part in, because I knew it existed. Around the six-month mark was about the same time I just came off a high of filming Almighty Thor. What a dream come true that was. As it came to an end, I took a trip back home to Kansas for a couple of weeks.
As I sat there in Kansas and reflected on how I accomplished a dream I never thought was possible during days when I lived here, I started having a feeling of something missing. I had done it. I had made my dream a reality; I had starred in my own film. But as the months led up to the world premiere of the film, and it came closer and closer to its air date, I was becoming less and less fulfilled. I thought that I would be standing on a mountain top as I saw myself on television, saw my face on the DVD, and saw my name pop up all over the Internet. Yet something deep down was still missing.
It was during this time that I sought fulfillment in a romantic relationship with a girl I initially met on my trip to Kansas when I visited back in December. Eventually we started talking regularly on the phone. I felt maybe my unhappiness was my lack of such a relationship. I felt I didn’t have someone I could truly share this journey with and someone that I could grow in life with and grow with on an intimate connected level.
Yet even in this relationship, I still felt something was missing. I started lacking meaning and purpose in what I was doing; something I didn’t lack living in my car and for the first six months of this second year pursuing my acting career. Yet, this woman was someone I grew with in a way I had never grown with anybody else before. I trusted her with my whole heart and life. I felt deeply rooted in our trust and relationship. Then, unexpectedly, all that came to a shattering halt.
Out of respect to her, I can’t and won’t go into detail, but I can say that I lost trust with her completely. Someone I felt so close to shattered my whole idea of what trust was. I felt betrayed and hurt, and went into a spiraling depression for several weeks, battling with something I had never yet experienced before. This woman allowed me to love her in a way I have never loved anyone before, or in better, I allowed myself to love her in a way I never loved anyone before. She taught things about myself, both good and bad. She gave me hope and made me feel hopeless.
Just like most of the falls in my life, I began asking why. I didn’t get it. I didn’t understand how my whole world shattered and why. Why did it have to go down the way it did. I hated that I could do nothing to control the situation. I felt like my world had turned upside down and spit me out a weak, vulnerable, and hopeless individual. I felt lost. I felt afraid.
As I looked at my situation, I first told her that I was going to cut her off completely – that she didn’t deserve to be in my life and that I hope she could learn through this experience. It was only me trying to protect myself, because I was hurt. As I mediated on the situation, for the first time, I was able to look past my own hurts, and have a heart full of compassion and love. Instead of making how I felt superior towards the matter, I found a way to love her unconditionally. I found a way to transcend my own personal hurts like the Buddha or Jesus and love her with a pure heart. My compassion changed my life. I told her I wanted her in my life, no matter what she did or did not do, as she gave me an opportunity to practice this sacred tradition of life: unconditional love. But I still was hurt, and I had to distance myself from here for a short time to overcome my own pain. By loving her just the way she is, she opened up my heart to a new way of life. As much inner turmoil as I went through, the rewards of our relationship stand at the forefront of my heart and mind. I had taken a detached state of her decisions being that of her own, yet an attachment to loving her no matter what she does. I have come to find what it means to love someone unconditionally. Although I feel she and I are in each other’s lives for different reasons than being partners, she has come to be my closest friend, and a soul mate on another level.
It was through this fall that I finally found what it was that I was missing from my life – that deep resounding fulfillment that I continued searching for inside, but stopped, to which I thought my movie would cure when it came out, but every month it led to un-fulfillment, to my relationship with this beautiful woman that kept leading to un-fulfillment.
And that missing link is what I had in the fall of my physical possessions and home when living out of my car, and the fall I had with my roller coaster breakup with this woman. It was during these two falls, these two difficult times that I allowed contemplative time and energy into my soul and self. I started reading and reflecting on life and its mysteries. I started taking a deep vested interested in how I felt about myself and my life again. I stopped chasing the external and went back into the internal. I started living my life through soul-centered eyes, getting back to the core of what truly mattered, to me, and to my heart.
I found myself chasing my dream instead of allowing it to come to me as I always had. As I was chasing my film to be successful, I lost touch with myself. As I was chasing offers to come in after the release of the film, I was chasing my dream of Hollywood. I was taking action I didn’t enjoy, rather than taking inspired action I absolutely loved. It was becoming a chore; I started doubting if I could even make it further, even right after my film aired! I even felt I was further away than I was before! I was running amuck trying to start my career like most people do in their lives, instead of controlling and programming my inner world – the only thing I have control of, which in turn, controls my reality. I was working on everything outside of me. It was during this six-month period where I had two very close influences pass away, as well, to which I flew back to Kansas to attend both funerals. My life was going in a direction I didn’t quite understand and lost the idea that I ultimately had the controls to overcome life’s adversity.
Emotionally, the despair I felt with this woman was ten-fold to that which I felt in my car. But it was her relationship in addition to my un-fulfillment in my movie premiering, and the emotional state of my grandfather passing that led me to question the direction of my life. Thankfully it all transpired and happened because I was fully prepared to take this next year (June of 2011 to June of 2012) chasing my dream, which would have led to ultimate dissatisfaction and hunger that would have led to stupid choices. Thankfully I didn’t even start. I became hungry in the wrong way. I was sacrificing my happiness because things weren’t coming the way that I wanted them to come. I was focused on fear instead of the power of life……….
And as I searched inside of me, what I thought was motivating me wasn’t motivating me at all. What I thought I wanted was not what I wanted at all. What I thought would take me to the next level of my career is not what is actually going to take me to the next level of my career.
As I went back into my interior, I found the answers to unlocking my happiness and fulfillment – remembering who I am. Through this inner journey, I have come to new truths about myself, and life, as well as new ideas, visions, and goals for the future that sing in accordance with my heart!
I made my dream of starring in my own film a reality. Something that I literally thought was impossible has now become possible. It was my dream, and my goal, and after two years, it happened with flying colors. I truly am humbled by the experience. Yet, this is just another stage; another impossibility becoming fully realized.
As much as I thought my third year in L.A. would be to spend my energy willing my dream of starring in a major theatrical release, and spending all my power, time, and commitment contemplating this goal, the truth is my time and energy is far removed from that. My hunger for this year is internal growth and rebirth. The universe, God, and this supportive net that we have all around us has been so good to me this second year in L.A. I am humbled by how everything has continuously been divinely orchestrated by the fueling of my imagination (as Einstein believes the imagination will take you anywhere as logic will only take you from A to B).
This year is my year of taking time to ‘give back’ and work on a new impossible goal. This is my year of asking the universe, “How may I serve,” as the universe has been so giving to me. This is the year I will spend contemplating myself in re-creating myself to elevate my life on the exterior, not because that is the goal, but because I am shining my light and having others reflect it. By reconstructing myself, it is the next evolutionary step that will lead to outside success and abundance.
This year, I am reading A Course In Miracles, a year-long read with a year-long, 365-day application. My ex-girlfriend and I are reading it together aloud every day, as its unimportant how quickly we get through it. We are, in addition, reading aloud the Conversations with God trilogy be Neale Donald Walsch, as well as Wayne Dyer’s personal reflections of the Tao Te Ching in his book, Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life.
Practicing unconditional love and compassion for this woman, it has already fueled my unconditional love for any individual, transcending my hurt circumstances no matter how bruised I become. It means to always choose love and forgiveness. I am at a state mentally to not allow anything in my reality to ruin my internal heaven; my state of bliss. That will fade, that is why daily application is always necessary. This woman is not anything but on her own journey. She has caused nothing but goodness, and I expect everyone who reads this to see the deeper connection in why and how we entered each others’ lives, and how we both are teachers of each other.
It wasn’t really until a friend by the name of Kenn Gold let me see that I allowed one toxic element in my life make me completely lose touch with everything I was focused on and doing that I realized how much I let this situation consume me. It took a lot of contemplation to see that the feelings of inadequacy, doubt, fear, and anger were a part of my experience for the past few months, which were all created by spending less and less amount of time finding myself, and searching for external things.
I can see that I am mentally at a point that I can respond in most situations with loving kindness. I can say that I have bad days and bad moments, but I see life very differently. I see that I am at a point in my life of becoming less solid and rigid – to just allow my thoughts and truths to flow, rather than being so structured in them. I think we as humans are always seeking understanding, so we’ll create thoughts and words to try to help us understand why we feel the way we feel. Once we speaks the words into our feelings, they become rigid and solid truths within us. I am at a point in my life where I am truly just flowing. It’s as if I am living in The Matrix and that nothing is real. I can observe a situation, and then choose how to feel about it, rather than being so attached to the external that I let a personal experience rule my inner experience. I look with detached eyes and look past personal pain to be able to always know who I am and respond as to who I want to be. At 25-years-old, I feel that this is a year that I have transcended the world and live in heaven. No matter what is happening around me, I can choose to be happy and at peace. As with anything, this is a choice, and I fully believe a life of fear is HELL on earth and a life of love is HEAVEN on earth.
I do not begin to understand it all. I rather am flowing like water as the Tao Te Ching puts it so eloquently, staying low, filling the depths and trenches, and just allowing things to come to me, rather than going after them. My goals for this year are based on priority….
My number one priority is not on the work I book as an actor.
Just as I spent the first year living here and not auditioning and working on the craft, I am taking the start of Year 3 to go back to these roots. I am starting classes at Carter Thor Studios with Cameron Thor and Alice Carter. Cameron, in one sitting, gave me more real-life useful contemporary knowledge for acting in the 21st Century than 18 months I spent working at the Ivana Chubbuck Studio. He sees acting as I see life – continuously evolving and never staying stagnant. His approach is not only powerful and meaningful, but something I feel by studying can help me see myself differently, as well.
However, my classes are also not my top priority.
They are my second.
I will be taking my class one day a week, with scene study with my partner two or three times a week, and will be auditing two classes a week of Cameron’s, for a total of 9 hours in the classroom. I will not ver from this commitment as I remember how much I learned the first year I studied here in Los Angeles so diligently.
What is taking the forefront of this chosen year is to create fulfillment by making another impossible dream a reality…
When I lived in Kansas, I thought it to be impossible (literally) to being the valedictorian of my high school. I never saw myself as smart. But through constant visualization of that goal, it inspired me to take nonstop action for four years in my educational course work in addition to working to help provide for my family and being a 1st-Team All-State athlete. When I moved to Las Vegas, I felt it was impossible to get on television one time; literally impossible. It happened the first month I lived there. When I moved to Los Angeles, as much as I wanted to believe I could star in my own film, it was not possible. You only dream about these things. Yet it came to pass.
My goal this year is to write a feature film.
I have always wanted to be a writer, but I have more doubt in my writing than my acting. I don’t know the first thing of how to format a script and the elements needed in telling a good story. Right now, I don’t believe I can even write a script. I have tried before and stop before I even get started. The fear is overwhelming. But, I have an idea of the script I want to write. It is a small idea, but that is all that is needed. In actuality, I have two small ideas for two scripts.
One script is a Roman-era’ish action/drama and the other is a romantic comedy. 
I have Raloxifene breast cancer learned with anything, from learning a British accent for Spartacus, to becoming good enough to play football and basketball in college, to starring in my own film… you work in small steps, and you practice, and keep practicing… and you always give your absolute best. It all starts with small steps, and in the end, it all comes together.
I am taking this year to learn everything about writing a script, researching the era and language that my script calls for, and building up the internal fortitude to make that dream a reality. I have alway wanted to create something from nothing! How incredible that is! Even writing this blog and seeing it unfold in front of my own eyes is truly a miracle in my book. I would die of seeing something that was created from my imagination come to life on screen! What a true miracle!
I know it may be odd to some that this goal is as lofty as starring in my own film, but it is. I do not feel I have mastered the art or game of acting by starring in one film (as I am continuing my education). But, for me personally, it truly is impossible to even write the script, let alone watching it all come together. It is also impossible in my mind to write my own book (which I am sure in due time I will set out to do when it feels right). My point is we all have impossibilities in our life that we can all overcome. This is what’s invigorating to me… Of course we can disguise the great workings of life by excuses, and dismiss the idea of impossibilities becoming possible altogether. Most people do. In fact, almost all people do.
In addition to writing two scripts, I am also spending time recreating myself physically, as well. I have decided and have chosen to learn a traditional style of martial arts: Traditional Wing Chun Kung Fu under the directorship of Sifu Eric Oram. This is something I am looking to train in four times a week in class and seven days a week alone. The forefront of this dedication is to see the inner and outer workings of the mind, body, and spirit connection through traditional martial arts. In the background, I want to always be able to defuse a situation if ever in need. I actually dislike fighting, and avoid it at all cost, and have not been in a fight since Kansas, but I want be able to protect someone to the best of my ability. In addition, having a martial arts background can also always aid in future roles on screen. I do not know all the reasons for learning Wing Chun except furthering the body/mind/spirit connection – the connection that fuels my desire to stay in top-peak physical perfection. I will devote a year to practicing this art 7 days a week for the next year.
Note to all of those worriers, I will still be auditioning this year and booking work. The thing is, booking new work was on the forefront of my mind, making me chase things that were unnecessary. As I work and contemplate my career through my imagination, things will naturally show up. Many people ask me how I’ve made it this far. I have never went out to the networking shin-digs to meet people. In fact, all the people I have met in this business have been through supposed ‘random’ encounters. I have met people from working security gigs, bouncing gigs, or any other place. When you know your outcome and live from that perspective (as I am seeing the cover of the script of my film and seeing it already completed and living from that place in which I know it has already been written), things just naturally show up. You see and bring things that will bring you where you desire to be. Just like my goal of winning an Oscar, to which everyone admittedly dislikes (as no one who wins an Oscar ever tries to win an Oscar, Cody!! — yeah, yeah, heard it before; thanks) I know that outcome is inevitable and I see it. So instead of having perfectly aligned steps for the next production I am going to do or the next external step in my career to lead up to an Oscar, I am detached from the steps and enjoying the mysterious journey, waiting for its surprising adventures, and knowing that it is the ride that is every ounce of the fulfillment, and the Oscar is nothing put a signpost and outcome directing the way.
And as much as it seems I am not focused on acting, I am doing all the ground work necessary to get to that Oscar, although to anyone it can seem a lack of focus or odd goals to winning such a prestigious award. The idea is most things aren’t logical; they are heart-based. I have just surrendered to the notion that it is coming, and whatever pursuit sings to my heart I feel will be the next evolutionary step, regardless if makes sense to me (or to you) logically or not. And I only receive fulfillment from heart-based decisions. I feel tremendously happy about this new year. Although I am literally scared to death to write a script and expose myself in such a way, I know I must! And, in the end, as I take this backdoor approach to working on everything (myself and other goals), inevitably I know that the acting opportunities are literally just around the corner.
It’s hard for me not to think about the lack of freedom I was so scared of as a child that I might not have as an adult… the freedom of being tied down and not being able to journey into the woods and being able to express myself the way that I desired. Some how, the universe has allowed me to be in a place of ultimate freedom, both internally and externally. It has aligned the next steps that will push me forward in life and also my career. I have no idea how I have ended up where I have… in a place to spend most of my time being able to work towards my life goals.
Last November, I moved into the guest house that I now live at. It is what came after living in the back of my car. Here I have lived and have lived rent free, in exchange of training my landlord six days a week. I have no real security here as he could decide to put a price tag on my rent. If he did, even $500 a month, I would opt for my car. That is $500 a month I would have to be forced to come up with, taking way my time and energy towards my career and towards my goals I have for this year. I would rather use that money to pay for the classes I want instead of wasting it to provide a roof over my head. I have no responsibility in my life right but to take care of myself, so I would be fine.
And somehow, the universe provided me with the possibility of taking the classes I have lined up. The only steady gig I have for work is working for a private security company that I work for usually once per week in addition to being the on-call guy at a bar as the door guy. I have very, very limited money coming in. And I find side work I can do from time to time, and I have money that does come in as an actor, but not as much as I would like. It is the true life of a struggling actor who is willing to put comfort beyond his vision.
Recently, a friend became inspired by how far I have come in such a short amount of time, and a friend who became deeply moved by my blog writings who decided to contribute an advance to my career. As much money as I do not have coming in, I never think about its lack. I always expect it to show up when it is needed. I don’t think or contemplate it and spend very little time at all speaking about it. I often ask myself the question, “How did all of this show up – this living situation and this advance to help fund my career?” Is it because I have trusted in the universe… to aid in me in my help to discover a deeper self?
I truly feel like I am a monk who has the opportunity in life to spend his every day working towards finding who he is and the deeper meanings and workings of life. I believe my imagination has created this freedom I so desperately desires as a young boy. And, now as an adult, that young boy is living the life in which he imagined.
There could be a day that all of this is pulled a way and another trench is created – another valley to overcome.
And if Purchase viagra that day comes, I will hold onto my dreams and move confidently on the direction of my dreams. I am blessed, truly, with all that has come of my life, and I am looking to ask the universe this year, “How May I Serve?”
One of those ways is working at the Children’s Hospital with terminal children. Some see it as a lost cause, but to me, I feel we all can overcome even our own sicknesses. And I will speak power into these children, and if all of them pass on, I know it was them who helped redefine me – who impacted my life more than I could have ever impacted theres.
I will always tell you that I am literally no different than you. We each have our own preferences and desires for our life. These just so happen to be mine. I am no better than you because I have been in a movie, just as much as I am no better than you because of my height, weight, race, sex, or religion. Nor are you better than me because of your deep pockets or your influence. I recently saw a tweet that said this, “Any time you think you have influence, try ordering around someone else’s dog.”
My story will always be a story of human potential; an example of what each of us can do. Although I will never reach the spiritual mastery in this lifetime that Jesus came to, my story is a reflection of his own, and vice versa. It took him 33 years to embrace his full light, and the Buddha much less time. But all these stories – every great human experience is but a story of one man who symbolized with a deeper meaning and a deeper calling to their life. Forty years from now, I’ll still be writing to you speaking to you and helping you embrace your own greatness; your own light; your own divinity. I don’t have all the answers, nor will I later down the road. I am only a reflection of what it is that each one of us can do; I will always follow the road less traveled; my road, as it is the only freedom I have.
Take care,
Cody
Enjoy the Robaxin high bonus feature, my reel from the film Almighty Thor!
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How beautifully Zovirax 200 mg and eloquently written and expressed … I truly got goose bumps … you obviously have literary talent as well as acting … and how exciting is it for me when someone writes and talks and is literally speaking their natal chart … keep up the outstanding work young man and your star will be shining very bright !!!
Cheney,
You have Cipro 750 mg been a recent addition to those avid online supporters, and I just wanted to let you know how much I have appreciated that extra support. I am always truly moved when another is affected by my writing. Thank you for expressing your feelings.
Cody
Hey Cody,
I’ m truly Paxil 10mg - 90 pills in awe of you and am more amazed with and at you with every interaction. The interesting thing though is that it is not really awe or amazement because of what you are doing, what you have done, or will do, or who you are becoming, as great as those things are.
It is rather because of what I see in myself because of what you write or say, and the growth and changes I see in my own thinking, and thought processes and reflection. And it surprises me endlessly, scares me completely, and makes me ecstatic all at the same time.
It should never have happened at all that we became friends, yet it did, and the Universe continues to assert itself in a myriad of ways that I have almost come to expect in the nearly two months that I’ve even known you existed. Thank you for your blog, and for sharing yourself again, and for helping me to see aspects of myself that I didn’t even know were there. That is a great gift to give to a friend, and you are more than that, and have given me more than you could ever possibly know. This was worth the wait.
Your Eternal Friend,
Kenn
Dear Kenn:
When you Buy Viagra Plus Online contacted me to set up an interview, I was moved by your idea of my back story being much bigger than an actor starring in a Syfy film. You opened a door during a time where I was maybe taking a step back from expressing my light, refraining from being too different. Your fascination for Hollywood & Beyond reignited the idea of everything I was wanting it to be, and fired up my own internal fortitude to know that my writing just may in fact be making just as much of a difference as my success as an actor is.
Being the author of something that makes just one take a moment to look and observe themselves in a different way is a fulfilling type of energy that moves me differently than many other things. I appreciate you sharing the effect my writing has had on you, and am happy that we have struck up a wonderful friendship that I will always have and hold dear to me.
Thank you again, for all of your kindness and generosity, and want to see me succeed!
Cody
Fellow Kansan here. Worked in Hollywood. Now on Doxazosin 4mg - 60 pills the East Coast. I feel your words!
Thanks for pouring out your heart, man! You will achieve everything that you DECIDE to achieve as you already have. Keep deciding.
“You just can’t beat the person who never gives up.” ~Babe Ruth
“Discipline is the bridge between goals and accomplishment.” ~ Jim Rohn
Bruce Lee’s Letter To Himself: http://raydillonrandom.blogspot.com/2011/04/motivation-bruce-lees-letter-to-himself.html
I look Buy Prednisone Online forward to watching your success! And let me know if you need some ART to go along with your Feature Screenplay!
~Ray
—-
Ray Dillon . Artist & Writer
http://www.RayDillon.com
http://www.Twitter.com/RayDillon
It has Buy Coreg Online never felt right to NOT pour out my heart, or to not be able to express myself. I feel more alive when I do so, and I feel more lively when I capture the essence of my time here. My own writing reminds me of the gift that we all have.
Thank you for the quotes and for Bruce Lee’s letter! I studied Jeet Kune Do for 3 months before escaping to L.A. from Vegas. Bruce Lee is someone I admire, it is is good to see his ‘humanness,’ as well. I never try to stand above the rest as I want every to see I am 100% human and 100% divine, just as we all are.
Thanks again.
Cody
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I am Revatio 20mg - 30 pills humbled beyond words that you have even mentioned me in this elegant allegory. You have reminded me of what is truly important in life and subsequently given me the answers that were already inside of me. I am reinvigorated in my quest to be all who I am, that is, dare to be. I know exactly what to do now. Thanks for the clarity.
Our meeting was no accident. Thanks for being my friend.
Spread your wings…fly
Your words Compazine 5 mg ignite my heart, Omowale. I have nothing more to say except I am extremely humbled by these words.
Spread YOUR wings and fly even higher, my friend. Because YOU can.
Cody
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Well written Doxycycline 100mg - 270 pills there Cody! I gotta say this is part of autobiography of your life through blogs! and you share your imagination, pain, despair, and hope through this website and blog of your life!
Thank you! I am Lexapro 10mg - 270 pills happy to have you read such a thorough-written post, and contributing your thoughts!
Best,
Cody
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Cody,
Your blog Pariet 20mg - 60 pills is so well written! You need to organize it into a book! I think your writing is inspirational to so many! As an actor your very talented and it’s always good to watch your career soar!
Matt
Matt – thank you! I am Buy Ethionamide Online happy to hopefully having you stay posted here on my blogsite! Thanks for reading, thanks for posting, and an even bigger future thanks to sharing this with anybody you feel compelled to.
Cody
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Cody,
Why do Cymbalta 20mg - 30 pills I feel your pain, suffering, anguish, loss, love, happiness and desires so much as I do? Is it simply your ability to express about yourself what others find so hard to even contemplate?
Funny that you mention a tweet about influencing…The most influential man must be the “Dog Whisperer”, that is great if you wish to only influence other peoples dogs.
A rare gift.
If you want to influence people, it is done best by not trying at all. One only needs to read your story [Blog] to see that. I am pretty sure if you would bark, most would be startled, since that would seem so out-of-character.
You have helped many people, without even knowing, and that, my friend, is the best kind of influence.
Never be afraid to ask for fear of rejection. I would have never owned my first house if I had not. Since then I ask all the time without any fear. If you need anything simply ask.
Cheers mate, honoured friend.
Such beautiful word, Michael. Thanks for Aciclovir 400mg - 30 pills your kind comment and wonderful observations. I am glad to always know my words effect you in a positive way. I feel as many who comment on here or through Facebook and Twitter, there are many more who are silently blessed by the read, and I am extremely humbled by that.
Cody
Cody,
I found Hyzaar 12.5mg - 90 pills a film-maker and screenwriter Blog, through a friendship with it’s author, that may give you, as a reference, some insight and techniques to write for screen.
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on Twitter Diovan 40 mg John Trigonis @Trigonis
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Cody,
This was Sumycin 500mg - 60 pills well worth the wait. I feel so proud of you, even though I don’t know you on a personal level. It takes some people a whole lifetime to understand what you seem to be grasping after 2 years in Hollywood. Now, I am not an actor, but I have goals as well, as I assume everyone does. Mine, returning to college as a single mother. It’s a scary thought. I graduated high school 17 years ago. But, as you know, this is fear. I have no doubt that I will be successful. Even if I’m not the top of my class, or a straight “A” student. I am at peace with not being the best to someone else. I know I will be the best in the eyes of my children and myself. I know I am showing my children that ANYTHING can be accomplished when you let go of the doubt and fear. I wish you all the best in whatever you do, whether that’s acting or any other road you take. You are inspiring others. That’s something not many people can or want to do. I admire you for sharing this journey with me, a complete stranger. God Bless Cody.
Love and Respect,
Kylie P.S.
been missing Buy Femara Online my buddy
on Twitter tho!
Kylie,
Grades mean nothing. Enjoy the process. This is Plendil 10 mg a wonderful journey you are embarking on, and you are not only showing your children anything is possible, you are also showing yourself. That will naturally reflect in your personality, which will naturally be picked up by your children. I never went after my dreams completely fearless. I just acted in spite of that fear. As scary as it was and still is to move forward with my new goal this year, I know that it is about small steps over an amount of time and that we truly grow in steps. You will see yourself graduate and provide a better life for your family.
Love and Respect to you,
Cody
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Cody, This was truely an inspirational reading. I know that for weeks to come I will pull more from it each time I read it. I remember first encountering you when you were still in Vegas through Myspace and what attracted me to you was your love of life, your focus on who you were, and your confidence. Through the roller coaster since, you have shown again and again and here now also, that you are still you. I applaud that. As far as writing, I have always said you could write and I truely agree that this direction in life seems natural for you. Many have writen scripts and starred in them successfully and whether you just write or do both, I know you will succeed. Cody, it has never been just about the acting and seeing you become the next “fill in the name”. For me it has been me believing you can do what you set out to do. You know I am in it for the long haul. you also know you can count on me when needed. You also know “I Believe”. Much respect.
It has been a very long time that you have followed my progress and journey. You are one of the very few who have followed me for so long. I can’t imagine being your head and seeing the transformations in me from year to year, as I am so they are reflected to you much differently then the changes have been within me. I am sure you have seen a completely different person year to year. Regardless, I am thankful for you unwavering support and your belief. Thank you for being such a good friend to me online. My very best to you, Charles.
Cody
The person I have come to know has grown with each chapter, that is true. What I find constant is the inner you. Regardless of the different directions and/or mountains/valleys, Cody Deal is who I have gotten to know and the person I respect and look up to.
You’ve hit the ball out the park! Incredbile!
Yo, that’s what’s up turtfhluly.
Excellent read, my friend! I’m happy to hear about your ability to rise above situations and deal with them in a positive way.
Life is funny… we never know where it’s going to take us. If you asked me 6 years ago what I would be doing I wouldn’t have said that I’d be breeding saltwater fish, writing articles for national magazines, be involved with an international captive breeding effort, or being asked to speak at events around the country.
As a matter of fact, I got an invite to speak in Atlanta while reading this. Go figure.
Stay true to yourself and your ideals.
Cheers, Tal
Cody, I am truly at a loss for words… well done sir, well done. You weren’t joking when you said it was long, but I found myself unable to stop reading it until I found myself at the “leave a reply” box. You have touched so many people on a level that most can’t comprehend with this. Again, well done and those of us in the Caney/Sedan and surrounding areas will keep enjoying seeing your continued success!
Keep this attitude and you will do more than you could possibly imagine!
-Rob
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ok cody I must admit I couldn’t read all of it I have ADHD but what I did read about your mom and Tom fighting and you watching it. I had the same experiance until they left me with my great aunt and then placed in a foster home. I am 40 and still sruggle with those feelings yet you at a young age seems to shine I don’ remember how I found your websight when I did but I wish I had your talent and courage.
When we’re young we’re supposed to question everything. It shapes who we become. It helps to have a mother who gave us unconditional love. She told us everyday, yeah, but she didn’t have to. Her love for us radiated off of her. She did everything for us, everything that she could possibly do. Although we had NO money, we ALWAYS had everything that we ever wanted. I still don’t understand how. We all have faults, but she always did everything in her power to help us have a better life, it was all she knew which is why she became lost when we left.
As I sit back and watch the people close to me and I watch their lives unfold, I remember how important love is. As cliche as it sounds, the Beatles had it right. All you need is love. I love you Cody. With all my heart. I don’t think I express that to you the right way or often enough. I always try to be there for you, through it all. I hate that you never felt like you had a father figure and as much as I wanted to be a good person then, I wasn’t, but just like mom I just wanted to love you guys. Both of you. Do you remember what I used to call you when you guys were young? Just infants. Mom always told me that I told everyone “have you seen my babies?” I claimed you. I loved you. “Aren’t my babies the cutest.” I used to sleep by you, I wanted to share the same room with you, but most importantly I wanted to be that father figure for you and it makes me sad that I couldn’t be and that I wasn’t, because I did try. I think when I read this, that struck the biggest vein, because ouch, that fucking hurts, because I failed. I wanted to take care of you. I still do, which is why I moved to Vegas, because my little brother was doing things all by himself. I wanted to give you support and advice although I always do it in such an unorthodox way. Although mom was so wonderful at expressing her feelings, I sometimes do not. You know it sometimes makes me uncomfortable, but you don’t know the love that I hold for you. I came out to Vegas less for myself and more for you, you didn’t know that, because I never told you. I came out because I still have it in my mind that I want to be your father figure. That’s why I’m hard on you, that’s why I always challenge you and why I’m so fucking truthful with you. I am always so blunt and I tell you things that are hard, although my perception differs at times, I do it all out of love. I wanted to make sure my little brother was alright in the big city. I couldn’t stand you being so far away, without anyone. You grew right before my eyes then and you continue to grow. That’s why I left Vegas. I knew you were completely capable to handle it on your own, but I knew you needed support which is why I always try to call you and check in on you.
I miss you so much.
My mind is weak, you said it, not to me personally, but to me and you’re right. It is weak. I’m sharpening that mind because I needed it. You know the events that have unfolded in my own mind. Cody, you were always there to give advice. You were there for me like I always wanted to be there for you. I hope you know that. I hope you know how much I want to be there for you. How much I try to be that family tie, that family you need at all times. Even with a weak mind, I know you can’t do it on your own. Your mind is not weak, but you still need support. I will ALWAYS be here. No matter what. I will. No matter what spirtual plane I’m on, I’m here for you.
You follow your dreams. The sweet is never as sweet, without the sour. The roadblocks that show up in front of us, the brick walls that are there to hold us out, are not there to stop us, but to show us how bad we want it.
It’s funny to me how ambitious you are and how unambitious I am. I guess I really wouldn’t say I’m unambitious, I’m just frightened to attempt anything that makes me uncomfortable. I like comfort. I don’t want to stretch myself. That’s where we differ, you are so fearless. I swear I live through you, because as much as you tell people they can, they can, they can, I can’t. I can’t force myself. I’m a chicken shit. But as different as we are in that regard, because of our childhood our beliefs and our dreams are the same. I also want to be the absolute best father and give my child love and compassion beyond belief. I want to do that for everyone I’m close to. I’m growing to and I believe I’m becoming the person I always wanted to become. Although my “dreams” don’t have the magnitude that yours do, I still feel wonderful knowing I have such wonderful people in my life. You are such an inspiration. I always feel much more to me than to anyone else. No one could be inspired by you more than I could be. People have seen your journey since Hollywood. I’ve seen your journey your whole LIFE. I’ve seen you at your worst. I’ve seen you overcome. I’ve seen you prevail.
I started writing this before I even finished, because I always feel I write a lot more honest when its a stream of consciousness. Lo and behold, I’m nearing the end and you talk about another goal that we have in common. To give back with unconditional love and loving kindness. We have our own preferences and desires for our life and when you share yours its just interesting to see how much they coinside with my own. I love you brother and if I don’t tell you enough, well, get ready. There is plenty more where that came from.
Tree, I spent this whole time just crying like a little bitch. I think it was a combination of things that created the cascade of tears. Your love for life, for yourself, watching you grow, remembering my childhood (both good and bad memories (especially the Tom memory, that shit is engraved in my mind and thinking it about it again, ouch)), feeling failure about not being a father figure and finding answers within your own blog, but more importantly within myself. Suffice to say, I went on my own little journey.
Thank you.
@Lucas, Man you write as good as Cody. Your message is very moving and I cried. I’m just getting to know you three guys. I’ve always held Diane in highest regards. She has been a true friend for many many years. I love her dearly. I see her in all three of you. She has done a wonderful job of raising you. I know how hard it is to raise boys by yourself. I raised two. You met one, Austin before you left for Dean’s funeral. I don’t remember your Dad but I do know that he wasn’t in the picture. Its very hard on boys to not have a man in their life. Stay close to your kids and help your brothers stay close to any they may have in the future. It just means a lot to development. I am so proud of Diane and proud of what the three of you have become. Stay true to each other and always stay as close as you are right now. Keep God in your lives and teach your kids the same. Much love to you all. God bless. Debi
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I wanted to thank you for opening yourself up to the world like this. We share a simmilar past not only between eachother but with an unimaginable number of people but as yourself i have learned to tern and love those who hurt me the most. It is not my past that overwellms me with sadness at times but the ones who cant rise up from the hurt and pain inflicted on them. perfict example is with me and my sister we both exsperianced horrible unspeakable evils that no child should have to but unlike me she wasnt able to let go of the hurt and learn to love and i weep at night for her becase no matter what i try to tell her she dosn’t relise that the hate she thinks makes her strong is tearing her apart keeping her from being all that she can truly be. I will send her a link to this page and hopefully relise that my happiness through loving everyone no mater how much thay hurt me isnt a fluke or made up. but no matter the outcome of my situation you have done an outstanding thing letting others in you are an amazing soul and i know that know mater what happens youll be ok in life. thank you once more.
Laura
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